Love. It doesn’t matter.

In many ways, I checked out of life in 2010.

Although some, including me, think I was pushed out.

Not that it matters.

It doesn't.

And it probably never did.

But now, 12+ years later,

it matters even less. 

If that's possible.

The harder truth is, I don't matter.

What I like.

What I want.

What I think.

What I have to say.

None of it matters.

Not to me, not anymore.

Another truth is that I chose where I am.

People have said I should get over it, move on.

Forgive and forget.

Maybe.

Maybe one day.

But probably not. 

I bought and paid for this hurt.

So I'm not giving it up.

It's mine. I own it.

What did matter is the life I had.

It was ended for me.

Intentionally.

And who cares about that?

Nobody. Everyone has their own life.

Their own problems, betrayals.

I not the first or last to be stabbed in the back.

And so now I face another truth. 

This end I own didn't really start in 2010.

It started when I was born.

I was dealt a bad hand from the start.

Some are. Many are. So what.

It doesn't matter.

I did get several breaks along the way.

I was adopted.

I grew up in a good home.

With good parents, good brothers.

Met my wife.

We planned our life.

Took our vows.

Blessed with 4 beautiful daughters.

Beautiful home.

The future looked bright.

All blessings that many never enjoy.

But then, after 30 years, it all changed.

That wife decided that not even wedding vows mattered.

"for better or worse"

"until death do us part"

Doesn't matter. 

She felt it was easier to just move on.

And that's what she did.

Thirty years didn't matter.

A covenant with God? Doesn't matter.

What God has joined? Doesn't matter.

None of that matters.

The Bible says "Love never fails"

If that's true, then there was never love.

She moved on but I didn't. Still haven't.

I'm stuck there. That's where I died.

Wife stopped caring. God stopped caring.

I stopped caring.

I stopped mattering.

Stopped living.

This wasn't the first time a woman

abandoned me,

betrayed me,

deceived me.

But it would be the last.

So I checked out.

Took myself out of the game. Out of living.

And it doesn't matter. 

I started out broken, and I never healed.

And now, it doesn't matter.

Love is patient?

Love is kind?

Love never fails? 

Maybe. Maybe for some.

But I wouldn't know…

Just His Tears in Her Place

A daughter engaged.

Wedding plans begin.

Her mother is centre

from beginning to end.

The father knows nothing 

Unless he asks.

Nothing is shared.

Nothing is tasked.

The mother is inside.

The father is out.

He doesn't complain. 

He's not what this day is about.

He shares in so little.

He only waits for the day.

The Summer, the wedding 

His cherished part in the play.

Father and daughter walk down the aisle

It's his honour, a daughter's gift of true grace.

Then they'll dance their one dance

And she's gone, just his tears in her place.

Treat Love With Care

When I was young, young love I found.

It reached my soul, it was my ground.

Hard years passed, that love has died.

Now life's a struggle, loneliness my bride.

I look in the mirror, dead eyes look back

Betraying the good life, before my heart cracked.

The smile I wear, it hides my tears

But it's a lie to myself, denying the wasted years.

I've tried to be honest, to not live a lie

But love has passed me by, and I struggle with the why.

If only I'd listened, to the many who tried

But I always knew better, and so now I simply wait to die.

Hiding in the shadows of my former life

it's all gone now, my heart crushed by a wife.

Hoping one day, I will find my peace,

but how can one person, kill all belief?

Regardless of all, I still hope beyond reason

that I will know love, in this my final season.

If God should grant me, this simple prayer

I promise that this time, I'll treat it with care.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

Signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) in adults include deep emotional detachment, inability to form lasting relationships, chronic distrust, difficulty showing affection, emotional numbness, hyper-independence, frequent irritability, and a tendency towards social withdrawal or conversely, overly clinging behavior (Disinhibited RAD). Adults with RAD often struggle with emotional regulation, fear abandonment, and may experience anxiety, depression, and feelings of emptiness, stemming from a history of severe neglect or inconsistent care in childhood. 

Core Symptoms in Adults

• Emotional Detachment: Difficulty feeling or expressing positive emotions like love, joy, or empathy; feeling numb or empty inside.
• Relationship Difficulties: Trouble forming secure, deep attachments, leading to fragile or superficial relationships; fear of intimacy.
• Trust Issues: Pervasive distrust of others, even supportive individuals; significant fear of rejection or abandonment.
• Social Withdrawal: Isolating themselves, avoiding social interaction, and preferring to be alone.
• Emotional Dysregulation: Intense mood swings, inexplicable sadness, irritability, or fear.
• Lack of Affection: Aversion to or inability to give or receive comfort, touch, or affection.

Other Manifestations

• Self-Soothing Behaviors: Rocking, rubbing arms, or other repetitive actions.
• Hyper-Independence: Extreme difficulty accepting help or relying on others.
• Control Issues: A need to control their environment or others due to feeling unsafe.
• Negative Affect: Displaying unexplained sadness, fear, or irritability disproportionate to the situation.
• Behavioral Problems: Potential for rule-breaking or impulsive actions.

Key Considerations

• History: RAD stems from early childhood trauma, such as severe neglect, inconsistent caregivers, or growing up in restrictive environments.
  
• Two Forms: RAD can manifest as inhibited (withdrawn, detached) or disinhibited (overly familiar, lacking boundaries), though the inhibited form is more commonly associated with RAD.
  
• Co-occurring Conditions: Adults with RAD often experience anxiety, depression, substance abuse, or other mental health challenges. 

Discovery Mood

https://discoverymood.com/blog/reactive-attachment-disorder-in-adulthood/

Columbia Mental Health

https://www.columbiapsychiatry-dc.com/counseling-blog/signs-of-reactive-attachment-disorder-in-adults/

Mayo Clinic

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/reactive-attachment-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352939