I think of all the books I've read
So many subjects fill my head
All the words, famous writers said
Some brought happy, some brought dread
And now, looking back across the years
at all the joys, at all the fears
I see the souls who have blessed me here
I see them love, I see them cheer
So that's not so bad
of a life I've had
When it all adds up
there's more happy than sad.
I had a dream
But I was awake
It made me scream
It made me shake
All alone
Filled with regret
Too bitter to atone
Too bitter to forget
Grief rushes all around
I go deeper with each wave
Finally still, I’m in the ground
My bitterness, my grave
I clung to right
I clung to pride
I lost the fight
Alone I cried
Forgive my tears
Forgive my screams
Scarred by the years
Scarred by my dreams
I am the night-time,
I am your darkness.
I am the sunshine,
I am your hope.
Please don’t hate me,
Please don’t hide.
I am your friend,
I am on your side.
Reach for me.
Don't be afraid.
You know, you know me.
I am Muslim, I am Buddhist, I am Christian, I am Jew.
I am all, I am one.
You know, you know me.
Reach for me.
Don't be afraid.
You know me.
And that song would be Cat’s in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. I had daughters, not sons, but the message in the song rings true. So true.
While my daughters were growing up I was away, a lot. At the office at all hours while I started my own business, and then always travelling on business. Always away. I tried to change course but it was too little too late.
When I finally decided money wasn’t the most important thing, I changed course and worked from home. Unfortunately, my wife did think money was the most important thing. It took her a couple of years to get all her ducks in a row, and then she pulled the plug on our marriage, on our life.
That was sixteen years ago, but I still think about it…every single day. And it occupies my 3 am thoughts most nights as well.
Regardless, I had set the tone years before. I’ve no one to blame but myself. My girls are always busy with their lives which, as the song says, is exactly what they learned from me. “They’d grown up just like me”.
I wish I had done things differently, but then they would be different — and I do like the women they have become. Of course I wish I saw them more, but as I’ve said, that’s on me.
I'm alone these days, and that's no accident.
And I'm tired. So tired...also no accident.
This is a recent view of a street from my past. It represents a year or two in the mid to late 1960s. Quite a short piece of a lifetime, yet some of my fondest memories — as well as some of the worst — occurred here. I’ve no idea why I’m still pulled to this neighbourhood, sixty'ish years later.
