Fifteen

Fifteen years since she walked away
Fifteen years is 5,500 days of wondering what went wrong,
5,500 nights of less sleep than needed.
And still, fifteen years later, the knife in my back is still being twisted.

Born into Chaos

People who are born into chaos,
who survive their first several years
denied any love and affection.
These people don't have big dreams.
They dream only of a home
that can't be taken away from them,
and a person who won't abandon them.

It Doesn't Matter Anyway

I've never told my story.

Not my whole story.

Not to anyone.

But only because no one has asked.

Not even the few who should have.

Maybe because they think they already know,

and maybe they're afraid to know any more.

But more likely it's because it doesn't really matter anyway.

I suppose it never really did...except to me.

I Wonder if You Know?

It's 2am and I awake from my dreams, again.
You and I, and our daughters…a happy, loving family.
And yet it's been more than 14 years now,
since you ended our marriage, ended that family.

No matter how hard I try to forget…try to move on.
Not every night.
But still more often than not.
You visit me in my dreams.

And now, like so many nights,
I lay awake for hours
Wondering what went wrong.
How does a love like that just disappear?
How does a life like that just disappear?

I guess for me it doesn't.
It visits when I close my eyes.
And after 14 years I have to face that this is me.
This is my life until I die.

And I wonder if you know what you have done?
I wonder if you know what you threw away?

...at least Jesus was betrayed with a kiss.

Next month will mark the 14th anniversary of when my wife of 29 years and 4 months decided she no longer wanted to be married. She simply preferred to be on her own.

She handed me a piece of paper with her lawyer's contact information and told me to find a lawyer of my own.

So much for, "for better or worse".

So much for, "until death do us part".

So much for, "Love is patient, love is kind,...love never fails".

So much for family life.

So much for growing old together with a trusted friend that knows you like no other. Trust...a word I may never be able to trust again.

Move on? I've tried. A couple times. But as the song goes, 'you can't make old friends'. As a child my birth mother betrayed me and instilled in me the determination to find a forever partner. An until-death-do-us-part partner. Someone to celebrate a 50th and 60th anniversary with... but I failed. And now that just isn't possible. No amount of wanting to move on can change that.

A simple piece of paper and my life, my future, as I had hoped and planned, was gone forever.

Amazing the power one little piece of paper can yield...at least Jesus was betrayed with a kiss.

Waiting For The End

Married.
Did the vows.
A covenant between me, her, God.
For better or worse.
Richer or poorer.
Death do us part.
Yadda, yadda, yadda…
30 years later and she just wanted to be by herself.
Forget the covenant.
Forget the vows.
Forget we had a family…we WERE a family.
And God? Gone AWOL.
My life? Also gone AWOL.
That was my life.
The only life I ever wanted.
But she wanted to be alone.
"Selfish" doesn't quite cover it…
Anyway, I guess daughters naturally gravitate to mothers.
So here I am.
On the outside looking in.
Waiting for the end.

Please God. I Need to Retire.

I can't see how retiring right now, without winning a lottery, is possible. I don't need much, but I need something. If it was a big enough lottery I'd travel as well, likely non-stop. But I'd settle for just being able to retire. I am just so tired. So very tired…

WTF

I'm driving a '68 Chevelle Malibu,

my grandmother's old car,

along old Finch in Scarborough.

Going through a dark train tunnel,

with a few high school friends crowded in.

Pink Floyd's The Wall on 8-track.

"Is there anybody out there?" chilling...

Don't recall where we were heading.

Nowhere, probably. 

Warm Summer nights, mid 70s.

Just driving. Being teenagers.

The next day I woke up and I'm 62.

WTF!?

I wish I still had that old car.

I wish I still had those old friends.

I wish...

Wedding Vows

Before I was married

I learned about wedding vows. 

The covenant of love between two people, 

and between that couple and God. 

The couple pledges faithfulness to God.

And in return receive God’s grace to sustain them,

as individuals and as a couple.

Truly blessed.

And I believed this wholeheartedly.

I was such an idiot.

Easter?

Happy Easter!

No? That's not you?

Well then, Chag Sameach!

No again? Passover is not you either?

Who are you then?

The sun? The moon? The Buddha?

Whoever you are, may the blessings 

you hold in your heart be known to you this day.

Regrets...

I spent the first 50 years of my life
making sure I didn't have any regrets
in the final years of my life.
I failed...

And none of us ever find out why

And we all live
And we all die
And we all struggle to get by

But still we laugh
And still we cry
And none of us ever find out why

It was a long night.

Last night I dreamed in pieces.
Of old mates, of soulmates, and lost mates.
Of good love, of bad love, of lost love.
Of old places, of good places, of bad places.
Of the bad I've done, the good I've done, the worst I've done.
Of long held regrets, of fresh regrets, of painful regrets.
It was a long night.

Dead Man Walking

Struggled to move on

Chains are too strong

The past is the prison

To a future that is gone

A soul that is home

To a heart that beats alone

A dead man walking

Demons Past

This night
Forever will this night last
Sleep stolen by demons past
Take me
Please take me fast
Save my soul from demons past

Left Alone

When left alone

With just my thoughts

My mind goes where it ought naught

It starts today

With challenges at hand

It creates a noise I cannot stand

So I travel back

To years long gone

When hopes were high, and future shone

A comfort, no

So further back I go

That darkness causes tears to flow

So I shake it off

Back to the fight

Begin my day, that's as dark as night.

I Wish You Love

I wish you happy

When I've moved on 

I wish I had found it before I was gone.

I wish you love

When I am gone

I wish I had the strength to carry on.

Please remember 

When I am gone

It was your love I relied on.

Please pray my love

I will pray my love

Eternal love. Eternal love.

I wish you love…

My pain is my healing

They say to make
the pain go away
I need to forgive.
I need to heal.

But it's my pain.
I earned it.
Worked hard for it.
My pain is my healing.

Memories Learned

Kindergarten at Rolph Road Public School

I had a friend on the corner

Another down the street

Several that just appeared

We played road hockey

Climbed tress and jumped in leaves

Crushed Pennies on train tracks

and played chicken on our bikes.

I grew up in Leaside

First as Duane, then as Bob

That's where life began

I was six. The before was wished away

The before, I'm told, was Cornwall

Then Logan Ave and The Riverdale Zoo

And a sister and a brother or two or three

And a lot of Toronto Children's Aid Society 

In a house as an only child

In another as one of many

In one where I did the laundry

In another where I was strapped, a lot

In and out

Sometimes fed, often not, never well

Sometimes hugged sometimes slapped.

And then I turned six

Then it was Leaside

Then it was real memories

Not just memories learned

from the past I had wished away 

There was public skating

and popcorn and Hockey games

Hot chocolate and The Westbury Hotel

And Santa Claus Parades

There was the Chip King

And adults playing cards

Hockey Night in Canada

and the The Flintstones at Lunch

There were also house fires

Doctor visits

Stolen cars

And skipping school

And there was a new mother that cared

And a new father who dared

He wouldn't back down

and he never gave in or up

There was a blue convertible 

Juicy Fruit gum and True Cigarettes 

There was an office on Bayview

near a diner with Lemon Pie

There was a TV Commercial

and rubber cement

There was Canada Wire and Cable

and skate sharpening and Mr. Mahovlich

There were wirehaired dogs

and a kind, elderly not-aunt

The Christmas Wish Book

And Santa Claus was real after all 

I began as a rescue dog

too scared, too quiet, too thin

But love found me and cared for me

And I received more than I deserved

And now I have the memories 

Mostly good

Some bad

And the worst, those are the memories learned

Embracing the Pain

When you've lost everything.

Everything but the alone.

Everything but the heartache.

And you're angry and tired all the time.

And if you stay there long enough.

In that loveless loneliness.

In that pain.

Then that is who you become.

People want to help.

People think you want help.

They think you want to heal.

They want to rid you of your pain.

They want you to know love again.

Or maybe no one even notices.

Maybe you're that good at hiding.

After all, you just keep smiling.

I'm fine. Just tired.

Except you're not fine.

But you can't open up.

You can't show your true self.

Then they'll want to help.

To fix it. To fix you.

And that scares you.

You have earned your new self.

Earned your loneliness, your pain.

And you couldn't bear to lose yourself.

Not again. Not a third time.

So you cling to it. Hard.

You embrace your pain.

After all, without your pain,

Who are you?

And how would you know you're alive?