More Happy Than Sad

I think of all the books I've read
So many subjects fill my head
All the words, famous writers said
Some brought happy, some brought dread

And now, looking back across the years
at all the joys, at all the fears
I see the souls who have blessed me here
I see them love, I see them cheer

So that's not so bad
of a life I've had
When it all adds up
there's more happy than sad.

Forgive Me

I had a dream 

But I was awake

It made me scream 

It made me shake

All alone

Filled with regret

Too bitter to atone

Too bitter to forget

Grief rushes all around 

I go deeper with each wave

Finally still, I’m in the ground 

My bitterness, my grave 

I clung to right

I clung to pride

I lost the fight

Alone I cried

Forgive my tears

Forgive my screams

Scarred by the years

Scarred by my dreams 

I Am On Your Side

I am the night-time,
I am your darkness.
I am the sunshine,
I am your hope. 

Please don’t hate me,
Please don’t hide.
I am your friend,
I am on your side.

Don't Be Afraid

Reach for me.

Don't be afraid.

You know, you know me.

I am Muslim, I am Buddhist, I am Christian, I am Jew.

I am all, I am one.

You know, you know me.

Reach for me.

Don't be afraid.

You know me.

I Am Your Friend

I am the nighttime,

I am your darkness.

I am the sunshine,

I am your hope.

Don't try to hate me,

and don't try to hide.

I am your friend,

I'm on your side.

My Life is a Song

And that song would be Cat’s in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. I had daughters, not sons, but the message in the song rings true. So true.

While my daughters were growing up I was away, a lot. At the office at all hours while I started my own business, and then always travelling on business. Always away. I tried to change course but it was too little too late.

When I finally decided money wasn’t the most important thing, I changed course and worked from home. Unfortunately, my wife did think money was the most important thing. It took her a couple of years to get all her ducks in a row, and then she pulled the plug on our marriage, on our life.

That was sixteen years ago, but I still think about it…every single day. And it occupies my 3 am thoughts most nights as well.

Regardless, I had set the tone years before. I’ve no one to blame but myself. My girls are always busy with their lives which, as the song says, is exactly what they learned from me. “They’d grown up just like me”.

I wish I had done things differently, but then they would be different — and I do like the women they have become. Of course I wish I saw them more, but as I’ve said, that’s on me.

I'm alone these days, and that's no accident.

And I'm tired. So tired...also no accident.

A Brief Stop in the Journey of Life

This is a recent view of a street from my past. It represents a year or two in the mid to late 1960s. Quite a short piece of a lifetime, yet some of my fondest memories — as well as some of the worst — occurred here. I’ve no idea why I’m still pulled to this neighbourhood, sixty'ish years later.

Fifteen

Fifteen years since she walked away
Fifteen years is 5,500 days of wondering what went wrong,
5,500 nights of less sleep than needed.
And still, fifteen years later, the knife in my back is still being twisted.

Born into Chaos

People who are born into chaos,
who survive their first several years
denied any love and affection.
These people don't have big dreams.
They dream only of a home
that can't be taken away from them,
and a person who won't abandon them.

It Doesn't Matter Anyway

I've never told my story.

Not my whole story.

Not to anyone.

But only because no one has asked.

Not even the few who should have.

Maybe because they think they already know,

and maybe they're afraid to know any more.

But more likely it's because it doesn't really matter anyway.

I suppose it never really did...except to me.

I Wonder if You Know?

It's 2am and I awake from my dreams, again.
You and I, and our daughters…a happy, loving family.
And yet it's been more than 14 years now,
since you ended our marriage, ended that family.

No matter how hard I try to forget…try to move on.
Not every night.
But still more often than not.
You visit me in my dreams.

And now, like so many nights,
I lay awake for hours
Wondering what went wrong.
How does a love like that just disappear?
How does a life like that just disappear?

I guess for me it doesn't.
It visits when I close my eyes.
And after 14 years I have to face that this is me.
This is my life until I die.

And I wonder if you know what you have done?
I wonder if you know what you threw away?

...at least Jesus was betrayed with a kiss.

Next month will mark the 14th anniversary of when my wife of 29 years and 4 months decided she no longer wanted to be married. She simply preferred to be on her own.

She handed me a piece of paper with her lawyer's contact information and told me to find a lawyer of my own.

So much for, "for better or worse".

So much for, "until death do us part".

So much for, "Love is patient, love is kind,...love never fails".

So much for family life.

So much for growing old together with a trusted friend that knows you like no other. Trust...a word I may never be able to trust again.

Move on? I've tried. A couple times. But as the song goes, 'you can't make old friends'. As a child my birth mother betrayed me and instilled in me the determination to find a forever partner. An until-death-do-us-part partner. Someone to celebrate a 50th and 60th anniversary with... but I failed. And now that just isn't possible. No amount of wanting to move on can change that.

A simple piece of paper and my life, my future, as I had hoped and planned, was gone forever.

Amazing the power one little piece of paper can yield...at least Jesus was betrayed with a kiss.

Waiting For The End

Married.
Did the vows.
A covenant between me, her, God.
For better or worse.
Richer or poorer.
Death do us part.
Yadda, yadda, yadda…
30 years later and she just wanted to be by herself.
Forget the covenant.
Forget the vows.
Forget we had a family…we WERE a family.
And God? Gone AWOL.
My life? Also gone AWOL.
That was my life.
The only life I ever wanted.
But she wanted to be alone.
"Selfish" doesn't quite cover it…
Anyway, I guess daughters naturally gravitate to mothers.
So here I am.
On the outside looking in.
Waiting for the end.

Please God. I Need to Retire.

I can't see how retiring right now, without winning a lottery, is possible. I don't need much, but I need something. If it was a big enough lottery I'd travel as well, likely non-stop. But I'd settle for just being able to retire. I am just so tired. So very tired…

WTF

I'm driving a '68 Chevelle Malibu,

my grandmother's old car,

along old Finch in Scarborough.

Going through a dark train tunnel,

with a few high school friends crowded in.

Pink Floyd's The Wall on 8-track.

"Is there anybody out there?" chilling...

Don't recall where we were heading.

Nowhere, probably. 

Warm Summer nights, mid 70s.

Just driving. Being teenagers.

The next day I woke up and I'm 62.

WTF!?

I wish I still had that old car.

I wish I still had those old friends.

I wish...

Wedding Vows

Before I was married

I learned about wedding vows. 

The covenant of love between two people, 

and between that couple and God. 

The couple pledges faithfulness to God.

And in return receive God’s grace to sustain them,

as individuals and as a couple.

Truly blessed.

And I believed this wholeheartedly.

I was such an idiot.

Easter?

Happy Easter!

No? That's not you?

Well then, Chag Sameach!

No again? Passover is not you either?

Who are you then?

The sun? The moon? The Buddha?

Whoever you are, may the blessings 

you hold in your heart be known to you this day.

Regrets...

I spent the first 50 years of my life
making sure I didn't have any regrets
in the final years of my life.
I failed...

And none of us ever find out why

And we all live
And we all die
And we all struggle to get by

But still we laugh
And still we cry
And none of us ever find out why

It was a long night.

Last night I dreamed in pieces.
Of old mates, of soulmates, and lost mates.
Of good love, of bad love, of lost love.
Of old places, of good places, of bad places.
Of the bad I've done, the good I've done, the worst I've done.
Of long held regrets, of fresh regrets, of painful regrets.
It was a long night.